Copy and Paster’s Guide To The Holidays

I’ve been noticing that more and more people are posting pictures on Instagram instead of Facebook. My current theory is that all the politics that have permeated the Facebook platform have driven some people out, or at least, limited their interest in friends trying to persuade them to a political point of view.

Over the past year, I’ve become very serious about blocking and hiding posts, which has made Facebook all that much more enjoyable.  I usually start with blocking the source, even if it’s a reputable one, because if I figure if I ever want to view that source again, I can do so on my own. Not surprising, you can actually live without seeing a lot of those posts.  Step 2 is hiding someone’s bitter, caustic rant, because I don’t want that energy in my feed.  Then, if the person just won’t give it a rest, they’re unfriended. It’s that easy.

However, somewhere during my generation, people have decided to tie their political awareness to their real-life happiness. The result is that they’re simply not happy. Watching the day-to-day antics of the political arena and allowing that to determine if it’s a good day or not is a ticking time bomb.  Plus, that causes you to ignore all the good things happening around you (and, they are) all because of what’s going on in Washington, D.C..

Well, even though that’s an insane way to live, you’re entitled to exist that way. It’s an unhappy, stress-filled, depressing existence, but that’s all you, baby.

So, it is at this most festive time of year that I would like to offer a Copy & Paster’s Guide to the Holidays.  A convenient way to continue your discontent by simply copying and pasting these responses to some of the more commonly-used holiday and seasonal expressions. You’ll be the hit of Facebook!

 

When someone says…

Copy & Paste This

“Merry Christmas”

Oh, for you! #45 is still president and there is so much injustice in this world. We’re killing the planet and fires are burning up California. You call that merry?

“Happy New Year”

How is it going to be ‘happy’? Unless they impeach #45, the tax cut will give more money to the rich, the planet is dying and we’re at the brink of nuclear war. How dare you be happy!

“Look at this picture of my new niece”

And look at the world she’s going to grow up in. With #45 as a president, she’s not going to have much of a world left. I feel sorry for her. Put that away!

“What a beautiful sunset!”

Yes, but we’ll wake up to another day of #45 as our so-called president. God knows what he’ll do to our country tomorrow, if he doesn’t begin a war and there is no tomorrow. How do you live with yourself?

“Excuse me”

Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?  That was intentional, just like #45 said those awful things on Entertainment Tonight. Excusing yourself is just asking for permission for something you meant to do. You monster.

“The snow is beautiful”

You sick bastard. It’s just earth’s way of covering up, just like #45 is doing with the Russia investigation.

Think of all the time you’ll save and the people you’ll convince!

Or, you could prioritize your life to the positive realities around you. Yes, there is a lot of fixing to do in our world. This just in–there always has been. You think the 1960s and the decades that followed were perfect? However, positive changes occurred, influenced by people who cared and that you must always do. But funnel your energy to methods that will actually cause change. Donate to a group, volunteer hours, believe in positive evolution of our world.

Whining, living a bitter life, those kind of things don’t inspire people to adopt your point of view and you’re better than that. And while all that is going on, you’re missing out on some beautiful sunsets, snowy winter mornings and the sweet cooing sounds of a newborn baby.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Tim Hunter

Hey, look at that!

So, I’ve managed to eek out a living somewhere along the line by noticing things, and then twisting them around so that they smack of comedy.

For example, I recently saw a news story that told of a new study that claimed “playing tackle football before the age of 12 could lead to brain issues.”

I don’t know about that. I played before I was 12 and cheese.

You see what I did there? I took the existing story. Looked for how you could twist it–what’s a universal truth?–and I went with, well, duh, you’d get brain damage–and so I thought, since I’m telling the story and I claimed I played before the age of 12–if I HAD brain damage (and the jury’s still out) so I would say something non-sensical, like “cheese”. I could have said walnuts, beans or prunes, but the word, “cheese” stuck in my head. Thanks, Ken Carson.

So, while observing is a key tool in crafting comedy, it’s also true of life. I’m always watching for details and then, when I notice something, I like to take note and pass it along to whoever might benefit from it. If I had traveled down a road with a giant pothole and I knew you were going down that same road, why wouldn’t I warn you? You would enjoy the benefit of my experience and observation and I would hope, some day, you might return the favor.

In the past week, I’ve had three experiences/life lessons that, with the above rule being strictly enforced, I’d like to pass along to you.

The 90-4 Rule Way To Eat–I went in and saw my personal physician, Dr. Brad Shoup, for my annual physical. We were talking about my adopting the Whole30.com approach to eating and he was fine with that, but….he said he was doing the “90-4” eating plan. “What’s that?” I asked and he explained. With an average of 30 meals a month, take four of the meals (like once a week) and eat whatever you want! The rest of the time you’re eating well, which is the majority of the time and, that’s all that matters, right?

Every Day’s Saturday, Except Sunday-A friend of ours who I thought enjoyed the luxury of being retired explained to me one of the realities of being at that stage. Mark these words: “Every day’s Saturday, except Sunday.”  Yes, on paper, that sounds great. Saturday’s P.R. machine has you believing it’s a day of rest, play, something fun, etc.  Well, Ed…..oh, crap, I wasn’t going to mention Kloth’s name…..OH CRAP…..well, the secret’s out…..anyway, Saturdays for the working class is the day after the work week when you have the most ambition to take on the house projects.  Oh, yeah, WE decide what would be nice to do around the house, but a very small amount of the WE population is there when it’s time to tackle those projects.  The moral of this story–when you retire, every day is Saturday….a day when you SHOULD do that home project you’d normally reserve for Saturday. (and that brings us back to, “Doh!”)

Last, But Not Least–This is more of an experience than a lesson. Let’s call it a reminder. So, last Saturday, I emcee’d a Lutefisk Eating Contest at the Fishermen’s Fall Festival down at the Ballard fishing dock.  Before the competition began, I was handed a stack of cards identifying the Lutefisk eaters who would compete. I invited a ‘Staci’ to come up to the stage and next thing you know, I see a woman being carefully lifted up on the stage so she can compete from her wheelchair. Then, the woman who helps here and another woman hop on the stage as fellow contestants.  It turned out it was the woman in the wheelchair, her sister and the woman in the wheelchair’s daughter. The wheelchair bound woman’s daughter was named Grace and when all the slimy dust settled, Grace came in 2nd place. She was out visiting from Ohio, accompanying her mom, Staci, who had visiting Seattle as part of her bucket list. Her sister quietly leaned in towards me during the competition and told me that Staci had been given maybe a year to live. So, coming out to Seattle was a dream and she was living it. It was yet another reminder to savor every day that we’re given on this rock. Tim McGraw has a haunting song, “Live like you were dying” and Staci was doing that through no choice of her own.

So there you have it: a trio of experiences that made me just a little bit smarter that I thought I would share with you. Be in the moment as best you can. Observe things. Did you pick up some life knowledge today? Pass it along. We all do much better playing as a team.

Tim Hunter